I'm back!

I went through a lot of emotional and physical pain the past couple of months. I figured I'd tell you all privately but I'm going to be open and honest about what's been going on. It's the first step to getting better. I have to start being open and honest.

I almost lost my life. I don't know how I made it, but I did. I survived. I am very thankful for it too. It was a very painful process, but I grit my teeth and went through with it and got through it. I had nothing to lose, and life to gain, and while the treatment made the physical pain even worse... it was unbearable... I held on for life. I fought and won. I am still breathing, still thinking, and still moving. I used to take the fact that I'm alive for granted, but then when I almost died and then survived, suddenly being alive itself was a reason to celebrate. I didn't think I was going to make it... actually, everyone around me didn't think I was going to make it either.

Emotionally, I'm still in immense pain. This is because while the body has started healing, the issues that were there before what I faced have not, and now that my body is healing I have the ability to focus on these issues. I've been very depressed. I've been feeling very alone. My anxiety disorder has been getting worse. I have a lot of issues from the past that was suddenly brought to surface over some happenings that occured this past year, and while it was bad that I repressed them to begin with and even more harder that they came back out, I have to face them now.

I'm trying to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and like the person I'm looking at. I'm getting there. I have lost a lot of my friends because of recent stuff, and I have been rejected in a way that was emotionally hard to deal with during the stuff I was facing so I'm just now coping with that too.

I have been taking steps to get better. I've been seeing a really good counselor, and put on medicines like anti-depressants and for my anxiety and whatnot, but these take time to actually start helping. In fact, they are not the solution in themselves, they just are there to help me along in finding the solutions.

There has also been a lot of stress in my life. The recent illnesses of the body and of my mind caused me to have to leave work for a short time, as the specific physical illness I was experiencing made it difficult for me to keep up with the strenous labor that my job requires.

Now that I'm back on my feet and the physical illness I was facing is better, I have been back to work, but no longer at the same job I had. Even so, the bills have been piling up, and I've gotten myself into a lot of debt. Last week, my car was repossessed so I've been walking an hour to work and an hour home. I'm trying to save up to buy another used car, but I probably won't be able to get one until sometime in late June or July. Luckily, the road I walk to work has a sidewalk the whole trip there, so that makes it easier.

I just gotta keep on keepin' on.


oh and by the way, myspace sucks. Someone hacked into my myspace page and did all sorts of mean stuff then changed my password so I couldn't get in. I contacted myspace to have my account deleted. Still waiting for their response.